Monte Tucker: 'I'm being sued!!!'

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Published on Friday, 14 October 2011 12:57

What's Under My Hat

By Monte Tucker

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Man, I’m being sued!!!  This really stinks because I’m not even sure where to begin to look for an attorney to take my case.  No, it’s not Chesapeake this time. Well, I did make fun of their billboards, radio ads and full page newspaper ads a while back.  If they are such good stewards of the land why don’t they spend their money fixing erosion on locations and lease roads instead of buying billboards?  Good question?

Again, it’s not them suing me, nor is it the Humane Society of the US, PeTA, or the armadillo union.  And, a district judge finally threw out the suit the first calf heifers brought up against me for only feeding them 2 year old hay and wheat mids every other day. 

I just couldn’t believe my eyes when I read the papers the sheriff served me.  Yep, the Canadian Geese have filed suit against Tucker Cattle Co. on the grounds that I have neglected, under malicious intent, to prepare and sow my wheat fields yet this year!  Plaintiff, The Canadian Goose Local Squatters Union (CGLSU), claims that according to the negotiations of our previous contract I, the defendant, was to provide a minimum of 1560 acres of lush wheat pasture at or no later than October 1st. They claim their southern migration will have to be delayed and they have been forced to continue to eat Nebraska corn.  Now they have gained too much weight to make the migration and must book plane tickets to the Elk City park and then on to Padre Island.  Plus, the air carrier is charging $120 extra for bags. 

In arbitration I tried to tell them that I was in the worst drought in recorded history but they claimed to have hard proof that I wasn’t!  According to FSA and USDA since I didn’t purchase NAP coverage I don’t get to participate in this disaster thus the suit stands.  But, I’m pretty sure the arbitration was stacked against me because the committee hearing the case consisted of two white tail deer, two turkeys and a feral hog! 

Until I can secure an attorney and get a court date, the arbitrators ruled that I must provide bus transportation to and from the Elk City park daily along with lush alfalfa hay, pop corn, margaritas, a 72 inch HD flat screen 3-D TV showing un-limited Detroit Lions football (it was the Eagles, but hey Detroit is 4-0!) and 6 blue ray copies of the movie Rio. 

Whew!  I have got to get my grain drill uncovered and get started sowing wheat.  I’m pretty sure the turkeys and deer have already heard what the geese got and are drawing up their own lawsuit as I write.  The feral hog was too busy talking to the first calf heifers about a different angle and the prairie dogs held a town hall meeting to discuss the possibility of relocating across the road onto a Chesapeake location.  There’s shade in the summer, a flare in the winter, an exercise machine and a two acre swimming pool.  And one of the prairie dogs read the billboard about how they are such good neighbors.

I’m Monte Tucker, and that is what’s under my hat!